Off Topic: Things Nineties Babies Adore

1. Rugrats

2. Tamagotchi

3. Polly Pocket and Mighty Mike

4.  All That (and a bag of chips)

5. Going to McDonalds hoping to get one of these, Beanie Babies, because it was the Fair way of collecting them

6. LiteBrites

7. RECESS

8. Snap Bracelets kept you entertained for hours

9. So would a 3D View Master

10. Barbie Karaoke Machines

11. Berenstain Bears. Enough said

12. SATURDAY MORNING LOONEY TUNES!

13. Being cool because you had a Walkman

14. The Amanda Show

15.  The Saddle Club

16. Power Rangers Zorgs

17. Super Nintendo (SNES), PS1, or Gameboy

18. Spending more time outside than in during summer, and owning one of these.

19. Waterful Ring-Toss

20. Trollz

21. MoonShoes

22. Hey! Arnold

23. Not only owning these (and keeping them organized by how rare they were) but knowing how to play and watching the TV show to determine a card's ultimate value by battles won or lost

24. Etch-A-Sketch

25. The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

Smile and Share this if you wanted/owned/bought for your kids/bought for someone of the opposite gender/remember these

Peace, Love and Bulletproof Marshmallows

Ronnie

Happy Birthday Darling

So many things come and go away... so many beautiful lessons are so hard to learn. Pain makes you stronger, Pressure makes you more efficient, Stress makes you durable. But today... today all of these things make me question the point in my sobriety, why exactly am I holding out like this? I have a son who deserves me as a sober mother, who deserves to know me. But I fear it may already be too late. I fear it may just be that I won't win at this. Maybe I'm too far gone, maybe I am too badly broken. Maybe... maybe I need to give up and lay down the sword and take up the whetstone instead. Perhaps I am not meant to be a parent. Just as I will never have an animal of my own, because they always find their forever families with through me; maybe I am meant to bear other people's babies, maybe I will never know the pure joy of being called mommy. Maybe I won't know who I am because there are too many parts of me fractured in too many places. Where am I even going with this.

Happy Birthday to my son, who is a year old today... oh my boy. I have learned to love through you. You taught me how to smile through the tears, and how to laugh at myself. You showed me how to hold on when it hurts so much my body won't respond. You helped me find my center and reminded me how to pray. Oh my son... you deserve so much more than the life you've been given so far. I know you'd walk through this with me for the sake of being with me in the end, and oh how I pray this will end soon so we can move on with our lives. Be good today and enjoy the first of many celebrations to come... Meanwhile I will try to survive another special day, your special day, without you.

Love, your Mother.


Well, here's to hoping I get my life back soon...




Peace, Love and Bulletproof Marshmallows

Ronnie

It Was A Breakthrough

So yesterday was a total breakthrough for me.

I have spent the last week with my (chosen) brother and his wife, and might I say I love those two people with all that I have in me.

Yesterday, my brother called me on something I was not even aware was happening. I was looking at concert tickets for a band I really, truly love and desperately wish to see. I was talking about how my family would likely purchase tickets for me if I asked them to, and how they give me practically anything I ask for.

He called me on keeping them at arms length, and not giving them the love and respect they deserve for the lengths they have gone to, to try to make my life better.

He was right, and what followed was an argument about being alone as a kid, and being hurt and lost and disconnected, and not wanting to let them have the opportunity to fuck up again. But he was right.

After two hours I called them and apologized for pushing them away and thanked them for the lengths they've gone to.

Breakthrough.

Lost and Afraid, Alas All Is Well

So, I have not posted over the last 3 days due to being off my meds and trying to handle stress testing to boot with it. I made it through the event relatively unscathed. My family made honest attempts to help me through varying levels of psychosis. I know that if I hadn't been staying with them things could likely have been much worse. But, I know all is well. Meeting with my sponsor today to try to process things down and understand what I have just gone through. Coping skills to use here would probably be talking it out with someone I trust, checking my body for injuries to convince myself that I am not hurt in any way, and writing down what is going on in my head. My symptoms have been, expectedly, aggravated. Again, I am okay with that because I am somewhere safe. So, I guess for now all is well that ends wells.

Peace, Love, and Bulletproof Marshmallows

Ronnie

You know, sometimes being Schizophrenic means losing that chance to be friends, or even to be more. Mostly because you are too afraid of hurting them, terrified of losing control.
I don't know how not to be this way

Helloooo Creativity.

I decided not to post this along with my spider-rant... ugh I hate spiders...

(To the tune of  "For the First Time in Forever" from Frozen, if you wanna follow along with my brain)

There's something wrong here, 

yes I'd say... 

all of these voices 

just won't go away. 

Who knows just how much pressure I can take? 

For years I've tried to just stay sane, 

fighting the demons in my brain... 

convinced they all want me to go away! 

I have actual real-live people, 

who love me just the same, 

but deep inside I fear it's all a game! 

But for the first time in forever, 

I've got meds, I've got love. 

For the first time in forever, 

I'm aware I'm not alone. 

Don't know if I'm insane yet, 

because they're still right here by my side! 

But for the first time in forever, 

I really am alright. 

I can't believe they love me... oh!

What if they're actually staying?

I can't imagine that life at all

friends that don't leave when I hit the wall

people who really love me just for me!

But now it seems they're all right here

willing to help me face my fears

They mean it when they say I'll be okay

But then the voices come around

and a sudden panic's gaining ground

Because it seems this always ends the same...

But for the first time in forever

my family understands

For the first time in forever

they're here, holding my hand

And I know that this is foreign

to be counted among them all

But for the first time in forever

they hear me when I call

Don't let them in...

Don't let them see...

Keep your distance

stay away from me...

Conceal

Not real...

I know it isn't so...

But I still fear

they'll all just up and go

But this love isn't the same

It's real, it's not a game

So I'll do my best

to let them see my pain

Cause for the first time in forever

They really want to help (Don't let them in, don't let them see)

They're really in for this ride (Keep your distance, stay away from me)

I know I could lose it (Conceal...)

by pushing them away (Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know...)

But for the first time in forever...

For the first time in forever

I really think I'll be okay.

Yeah

That was as cheesy as it looked on paper. Now I'm going to have to record it. Haha

Peace, Love, and Bulletproof Marshmallows

Ronnie

Along Came a Spider

So, last night I saw a spider. This one was real, and was promptly removed from my bedroom (aka the Isolation Chamber) due to my severe arachnophobia. However, all is not well. I spent the grand majority of today trembling due to hallucinations of spiders crawling everywhere. I managed to take my meds on time, though we are all aware that sometimes med just do not work the way we think they should, or even the way they really should work. Sometimes this shit happens. So, today I dealt with my hallucinations by isolating and trying to focus on other things. So this was a bad day on the front lines of this battle. I could have coped better.

Things to try next time I have a bad day

1. go to the art room and work with clay
2. Listen to Emilie Autumn, her music helps quiet things for me
3. Call someone this time, not just texting.

Peace, Love and Bulletproof Marshmallows


Ronnie