So many things come and go away... so many beautiful lessons are so hard to learn. Pain makes you stronger, Pressure makes you more efficient, Stress makes you durable. But today... today all of these things make me question the point in my sobriety, why exactly am I holding out like this? I have a son who deserves me as a sober mother, who deserves to know me. But I fear it may already be too late. I fear it may just be that I won't win at this. Maybe I'm too far gone, maybe I am too badly broken. Maybe... maybe I need to give up and lay down the sword and take up the whetstone instead. Perhaps I am not meant to be a parent. Just as I will never have an animal of my own, because they always find their forever families with through me; maybe I am meant to bear other people's babies, maybe I will never know the pure joy of being called mommy. Maybe I won't know who I am because there are too many parts of me fractured in too many places. Where am I even going with this.
Happy Birthday to my son, who is a year old today... oh my boy. I have learned to love through you. You taught me how to smile through the tears, and how to laugh at myself. You showed me how to hold on when it hurts so much my body won't respond. You helped me find my center and reminded me how to pray. Oh my son... you deserve so much more than the life you've been given so far. I know you'd walk through this with me for the sake of being with me in the end, and oh how I pray this will end soon so we can move on with our lives. Be good today and enjoy the first of many celebrations to come... Meanwhile I will try to survive another special day, your special day, without you.
Love, your Mother.
Well, here's to hoping I get my life back soon...
Peace, Love and Bulletproof Marshmallows
Ronnie
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